Note to Self: Don't research cancer in the morning
I'm having that thing again, that guilt thing after looking up "spindle-cell carcinoma." Can respond to radiation and/or chemotherapy if it is a low grade! If you got it out completely it might not come back! I'm no expert, and neither is my vet, and that's why he wanted us to go to the oncology specialist.
Remind myself how much the cat hates to travel, how much he's not fond of spending the day at the vet being poked and caged instead of sitting contemplatively on his mat outside, or something. Also how its weird in the mouth, how it is in front of and in back of his teeth, so you can't very well chop ALL of it out without removing damn near his whole head. Those other prognoses I was reading were about spindle-cell in a dog, who had a tumor on his LEG. Way different.
But his chest X-ray was clear! No metastasized tumor in his chest! By not trying to find a way to scrape out all the tumor, I'm basically just asking the cancer to kill my cat!
Don't mind me. I'm just feeling a little guilty about my decision not to try to fix the cat -- even though obviously I DID try to fix the cat, and I'm still reasonably sure this decision is the right one. (Let's rehearse now: 1)The process would be miserable for him. Chemo? Are you kidding? Plus we'd have to drive him how far for each treatment? 2) It's in his mouth so prognosis is on the bad side even w/aggressive treatment or so my vet has me believe, in fact since it looks like its spreading all throughout his palate it could be even a qualified oncologist would admit a grim prognosis and 3) let's not forget the ridiculous amount of money this would all demand.)
Ah. Anxiety and its though patterns, er, thought crop circles. Gotta love it. And though I have some Paxil sitting on my kitchen table, I'm reluctant to start with it because I sort of like having the ability to think really fast, also the ability to orgasm, cry and sleep. Still, there are drawbacks to the unmedicated way of life. (Also, I'm clearly not sleeping so well on my own steam right now since I'm up typing.)
posted by Evie P. @ 5:53:00 AM
7 Comments:
I'm thinking and thinking about all of you. He is your family member, and I can't imagine how sad you must be.
ps I have many varieties of sleep medications should you want to partake.
i can offer you muscle relaxers and catnip. in fact, i'll bring them by later if you'd like. Please call anytime you need to...and please don't feel like you need to talk if I call you. "I can't talk" is perfectly fine.
I know you have to do what resonates as right with you, but I just wanted to second you on the "giving G. quality time/quality of life now makes more sense than carting him back and forth for really damaging, potentially unsuccessful, treatments" front. As someone else noted earlier, cats probably don't have the ability to imagine that "everything will be better after the really unbearable treatments." If you choose otherwise, I support you in that too, but, whether or not money is an issue, I think you're making a choice that puts G's quality of life ahead of your desire to have him in your life at "any cost" (the real cost would be his quality of life, and perhaps, as you've noted, needless/ unsuccessful treatments that would make him miserable). I think you might be as close as anyone can get to unselfish love. I hope I haven't said too much. -nu
Could you *call* the veterinary oncologist and just ask some questions, like, "given that it's in his mouth and in front of and behind his teeth, it seems to me that you couldn't remove it all without removing half the cat's head, right?" Maybe it would make you feel better to have confirmation that your decision is rational.
shrew, nu: see you tonight, right? thank you.
b phd: i feel like an idiot. yes. the telephone, it works. i can't believe i didn't think of this.
so annoyed that i have to do the word verification thing to comment ON MY OWN BLOG. still, that's the price.
Don't feel guilty - I think your decision sounds very sensible and humane. Just because it's also dictated by finances doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. There are a lot of "mights" in your happy prognosis for this cancer. Though by all means talk to the oncology guy - it would be great if he could assure you that he can make your cat better. But if not, you are being a caring cat mom by not putting him through stuff he doesn't and can't understand.
But again, I'm so so sorry that you and he are going through this. This is the kind of thing I live in fear of dealing with myself.
Don't feel like an idiot. When you're under stress or making hard decisions, it's astonishingly easy to overlook little easy crap. That's what friends are for.
I just wanted to add one more thing--my parents spent thousands of dollars on our dog's spleen cancer surgery, which failed and caused our precious a great deal of suffering that she didn't understand. This, obviously, isn't supposed to make you feel better or anything, but just to say that I think you've made the gentlest decision. For the gentlest of animals.
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