Though I Suppose this Counts as a Step For Me

Thesis: My exam proposal is due Monday. I have prioritized this as number one, the most important project for the current week.

Antitheses: (1) Last night, my SAT coordinator called and told me that a formerly-cancelled class was ON.

(2) The "on"-ness of this class necessitates three commutes to Big City in the next four days.

(3) Plus all the time spent in Big City.

(4) Not to mention prep.

(5) Plus my laundry needs doing.

(6) Plus the office: not quite finished.

(7) Plus I have an anxiety disorder, which is mostly under control, only DON'T GET IN MY WAY OF GETTING MY PROJECTS DONE, BUDDY, OR I FREAK THE HELL OUT.

(8) Plus, I'm supposed to work at the bagel store, twice.

(9) All before my exam proposal is due, Monday.


Synthesis: I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DECIDE IT IS MORE IMPORTANT FOR ME TO HAVE TODAY AS A WRITING DAY, THAN IT IS FOR ME TO GO TO THE BAGEL SHOP.


Conclusion: Because I can't possibly teach my classes, write my proposal, make my boss happy by working at the bagel store, AND take care of myself and the household and stay sane... I have to make a tough decision.


Here's the thing: I hate making people mad at me. To the point that I'll swallow my anger and do what I'm "supposed to," i.e. work at the laundromat, the bagel store, whatever, ALWAYS AT THE COST of my own happiness and productivity.

I feel totally terrible and guilty telling a "boss" I won't do something I agreed to.

Even though said bosses -- this makes me mad too but seems understandable -- can call me with "bagel emergencies" or other people not showing up, can you please come in? evey single day.

Normally I would have passive aggressively not shown up. But I made myself go down to the shop and say I CAN'T WORK WEDNESDAYS ANYMORE I'M SORRY I JUST FOUND OUT I FEEL TERRIBLE BUT I CAN'T.

And, oh, was he mad. Enough so that I felt TERRIBLe on the way home, TERRIBLE...

but the thing is? I HAD TO MAKE THIS DECISION. I wasn't given lead-in time, either. I did not deliberately set out to be a flake. And I went to the trouble of going down there and telling him as soon as I realized it was inevitable. There's always those few hours where you think "Oh, maybe I CAN work all afternoon, make dinner, do laundry, then knock out 5 pages..."

But realistically, doing so would make me even angrier come Friday or Saturday, when I hadn't made anybody ELSE angry (except my husband, because of talking about it for hours), but I hadn't written any pages.

WHICH IS, AS I MENTIONED, PRIORITY NUMBER ONE. PURSUIT OF WHICH MIGHT MEAN HARD DECISIONS.

I'd be proud of myself if I wasn't so used to feeling JUST TERRIBLE on behalf of characters like Little Bagel Boss, thin-skinned to the point that he can't take criticism from Big Bagel Boss. LBB is a nice, funny man but not good under critique... who has the penchant for hiring girls from bagel lines and signing them up for shifts without knowing their names.

If I were to write a business-practice manual for Little Bagel Shop Bosses, rule number one would be "Graduate Students, esp. advanced ones, are crazy; don't hire them for minimum wage jobs because while they are poor and are happy to get money, they are also subject to get angry when they are supposed to give up working time for $5/hour." I did not, however, write the business-practice manual.

I'm sorry, Little Bagel Boss. Think of me as a lesson you need to learn, a hard lesson. We're victims, you and me, Little Bagel Boss. Victims of the economy, of business structure that puts no investment in the well-being of its lower-level employees, of the problematic economic structure of Academe. It's not personal, Little Bagel Boss. For either of us.

I feel better now, amused even, so I will do the CHARACTER BUILDING activity of acknowledging I just put myself first and implied my needs were more important than were the psychic needs of Little Bagel Boss, and, acknowledging such, will calmly shower, clean the office for half an hour, and write the rest of the day away.

Until it's time to make couscous.