I quit something today.

It was one of my jobs. Actually, it was one of my classes. I gave up one of my correspondence classes.

I was nervous before I went in to quit. But I thought of the calm you intuit sometimes, especially if you have been practicing meditation specifically to cultivate the intuition. At the advice of many random self-help readings, I visualized getting what I want, having the affect that I wanted. And at the advice of me to my tech-writing students, I thought of the meeting as a transaction, not a place to air grievances. I do not want to cause pain or inconvenience. I simply want to extricate myself from a situation that I'm taking far too hard.

And the meeting went okay.

The amount of papers is so much more than I bargained for when I agreed to take on the extra class. I was flattered by the idea that I could be someone who could casually take on that responsibility. I was attracted by the prospect of the money. I felt obligated, since teaching availability's so up in the air and we can't positively plan on CV getting a job. And because of money guilt. Left over from childhood. Also greed.

It's been obvious for weeks that I'm having a really hard time getting and keeping the new classes caught up. Last week it came to a head. A student wrote me, distraught, over not having back enough of his papers to allow him to finish the course in the (absurdly short) length of time allotted to students in this program. (Note to the program: snail mail is slow.)

I was checking back through my records, sick with guilt but of course rebellious about feeling that way, when the mail came. And with it, one of the inevitable large envelopes from the correspondence office. And in it were the students' lessons. Arriving at my door. Two days after I probably should have been able to have them back to him.

My procrastination and guilt complexes + overworked and/or incompetent staff = far too much expenditure of emotional labor. (This is a reference, though I'm too tired to look it up.)

It was nice after I quit. But now I am feeling a little bit guilty again and a little bit resentful.



Because I still have to do the last few papers.